Posted by: Robin~AllThingsHeartandHome | April 9, 2009

You found me…

So, it’s Good Friday and I felt I needed to post this today. It’s been written for a week but until yesterday I wasn’t planning on editing it for an actual post. It’s deeply personal and just a little odd. But I’m compelled. Maybe someone needs it. I hope you’re not offended Sweet Ones…it’s just my heart. It’s a bit different to add to a Beautiful Life posts but my relationship with the Father truly gives me a beautiful life so if you want to, sit with me for a moment…

 

You know by now that God uses music to speak to me big time. Not only Christian music Peeps. Oh the horror, I know. This time it’s the new song by The Fray, You Found Me… The first line in the song offends The Husband a little, so I’m sorry about that, but the chorus is what spoke to me…

“Where were you when everything was falling apart?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me

Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded

Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late, you found me, you found me.”

This song has been on my iPod for weeks and playing on the radio twenty times a day. Each and every time I hear it, there’s this deep hurt that starts bubbling to the surface.  A vaguely familiar hurt. But, true to my nature, I stuff it and keep moving.

Then, in spin class the other day, it came on for the cool-down.  “Where were you, just a little late…?”

I doubled over with a sob. Apparently you can stuff hurt for only so long.  I’m losing my mind was my first thought as I quickly changed my shoes and got the heck out of there.  This is a God thing was my second thought.

In the car I pulled out my iPod and glutton for punishment that I am, played the song. Over and over and over.

As I drove, a memory tugged at the corner of my consciousness. A ten minute time frame while I was at the hospital with my daughter Stephie last month. It was after her emergency C-Section. (Stephie had HELLP Syndrome and was “very sick”. HELLP Syndrome can be dangerous for mother and baby. But especially for the mother.) It was around midnight and I was alone in the big waiting room. Quiet and almost dark, the hospital felt a little scary and my nerves were fried after the rough day.

Over the intercom came a loud voice…”Code in the purple tower. Room 3–,” I didn’t hear the number, I leapt to my feet, Stephie was in room 348…were we in the purple tower? The loud call came again…”Code…”

I started to hyperventilate. I grasped at the neck of my jacket and ran to the doors that led to the patient rooms.  I couldn’t make myself go through the doors. I remember saying “No, please no, please God no…”  I was terrified it was Stephie…I was terrified of loosing her…why?

Rain drops splattered my windshield. The song played on. As I flipped on my wipers another memory clamored for attention. Another night in a different hospital…

 Keeping vigil as Mom lay in the CCU of Saint Joes. We were there for four days straight. Three times in those four days the loud call came over the intercom…”Code in CCU…” All three times they were for Mom. Razor sharp panic…uncontrollable, razor sharp panic sliced through me as doctors and nurses ran into my mother’s room.

 Right there in my car I felt that panic all over again.

“Why do I have such a lack of faith?” I prayed.”I’m so afraid. What’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I have just trusted you with Stephie? Why was I terrified the worst would happen?” But I already knew the answer.

Because…sometimes, the worst does happen.

The rain pounded so hard and loud now, that I could barely hear the song. ”Lost and insecure you found me, you found me…lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded…why’d you have to wait…where were you?…”

And then I heard someone scream…”Where were you?

It was me.

And there it was.

I had no idea that’s what I was thinking. No idea,that this deep hurt was buried in me. But there it was. Ugly and faithless. Shallow and immature. I felt so ashamed.

Jesus wept…Jesus wept…Jesus wept…Jesus wept…Jesus wept…Jesus wept

Right then and there in the midst of my breakdown over and over came the thought…Jesus wept. Over and over and over. Finally I acknowledged it;
You wept because Lazarus diedI said out loud.

I was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. The thought came quick and clear. I wept because of Mary… 

I breathed in the thought…Mary?

I tried to remember exactly what Mary said to Jesus.  And then remembering…could it be?

I rushed home and found my Bible and there it was, what Mary said to Jesus…”Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died.” 

Like reading this for the first time, I sensed a hurt in Mary beyond the loss of her brother…a profound desperate hurt. Maybe even a feeling of abandonment. Jesus wasn’t there with her in her darkest hour. If He’d been there He could have done something.

Could she really have been feeling what I felt? Do other Christian’s feel this way, lost, insecure, left … left alone in our most desperate times?

But more importantly, does God understand that hurt and does it trouble Him to the point of weeping?

I’m not a theologian. I clearly have hardly an inkling of faith. I will tell you however, if one of my children felt deeply hurt and abandoned by me in their darkest hour, it would kill me. I would go mad with the thought of them feeling so alone. I would walk, no run, on broken glass to get to one of my children who needed me…how much more would Father God do for His children? How much more must it hurt Him when we feel abandoned?

If you are thinking I’m off my rocker about now, you may be right. You really don’t need to correct me,just say a prayer for me.

But if any of this touches something deep in you, know that I’m praying for you Sweet Ones. Know that God’s not surprised by our feelings and I pray He’ll meet each one of us right where we are and bring healing on this Good Friday…the day we focus on His Son’s death…

~oh and hang on Sweet Peas…Sunday’s coming.

Here’s the song if you’d like to listen…again, I’m sorry if it’s offensive in any way to any one…

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Responses

  1. Rboin, I love you !

  2. Woke up wanting to read your blog after your hint at it yesterday.

    Brilliant. Raw. Real.

    Thanks, my beautiful friend.

  3. Thanks for opening your heart. It is so true that God wants us to be honest with Him. What we are thinking and feeling is already known so I wonder why we try to hide it…

    May God totally heal your heart and love you to pieces!

    Have a splendid Easter!

  4. This message clearly touched raw nerves in my own heart. Like you, I tend to stuff my emotions and move on. This is from childhood hurt when I learned to build a wall around my emotions and heart. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it was difficult, but God will bless and heal you through it. Blessings, SusanD

    Joyous Easter to you and yours.

    • Susan~ it’s so much easier to stuff those uncomfortable emotions isn’t it??? 🙂 Prayers for you today and thank you for the good word.

  5. Have a wonderful Easter-
    I felt touched by your message.

  6. OK I am crying. Have been there this past year and spring brings me back to exactly where all these questions started. I am enjoying the dogwoods but the last time they bloomed is when things started spinning out of control in our little world. Actually though as I cry I realize again with joy that we now see that God was along on the ride. He was at times the spinner and other times He dared us to look at Him and throw back our heads and enjoy the thrill of the spin. The pain still sucks, the loss, the missing…but we really do know the Saviour more deeply. That is the gift. Our family has an empty seat at the Easter table this year but my 3 year old reminds me sometimes daily that heaven is a dearer place now b/c of what it now holds. Thank you Robin for sharing. My hubby and I love The Fray and often find more inspiration and grace on the secular radio than anywhere else. You have blessed me on this amazing day of grace.

    • Erika~I’m so humbled that you shared your heart here. I’m praying for you…for comfort, and some day would like to hear your story. Love to you Sweetie and a big hug.

  7. Powerful!!!!!!

  8. Such a beautiful heart you have. Thank you for your vulnerability and truthfulness. So happy you bravely shared this with us, and that the music spoke to you in this way, yet again. Love to you and yours, Happy Easter!

  9. Wow!
    Robin I especially enjoy reading your posts. You are very creative.
    No, you are not off your rocker. Remember, God already has you. Often, it is us who get our minds off of Him and he delivers us back to Him thru an action, incident, or a song.
    You are a mighty instrument for God with your life. Keep it up!

    • Mace thank you so much for that encouragement…

  10. Thank you for sharing this. I wish I could understand and be where you are, but I just can’t yet. In spring it’s all so raw again and brings me right back to our last weeks in the hospital. I am praying that soon I will have an understanding, but I’m still at “Where were you”.

    • Lenora, all I know for sure is that life is hard. Really, if I had traveled your journey I don’t know where I’d be. I love you and want you to know I think you’re an amazing, inspiring woman. Today, right where you are. Love to you my sweet friend~

  11. Thank you for being authentic! Love it and it spoke to me! Have a wonderful weekend with your family! Hugs!!!!

  12. Robin, thanks for telling it like it is. Sadly, sometimes, God does not show up. Those feelings of abandonment and betrayal are real. It’s hard to embrace a God who seems less committed to being there for me than I am for my kids. I struggle with that, and no easy answers are forthcoming.

    • Don, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. You of all people know all the “right” answers, I’m praying for God to meet you…and me, right where we are. That’s it.
      Love to you and yours.

  13. I love you mommy. This was beautiful. Yourwriting is truly beautiful and i cherish it. Thank you for sharing this.

  14. This is a touching post if I must say. I sometimes catch on my Facebook feed that you have posted something new on your blog and I read it. You never cease to amaze me by your words. Your faith is shakeable but that is because you are human. We all are just simple beings in the vastness of HIS plan. I am reminded by reading this post of when I found out 2 years ago that Josh’s grandmother, who was very much my own, had been in a terrible car accident. She died 4 hours later on the operating table where they were trying to stop the internal bleeding. There are not words to describe the feeling in my chest that day, but if I had to it felt like someone ripped open my chest and was doing an Irish jig on my heart. I was so…shocked and hurt that the worst had happened, and it happened to me. Then, a week before I got married last August I found out my grandmother had pancreatic caner, and it was bad. She only had 6 months at the most. One week later I got married and went on my honeymoon. When I came back I found out it was worse then we thought and she had weeks. I got married August 9th, she passed away September 5th. Once again I was that burning person who’s heart was torched with the stabbing pain of loss. I can tell you my faith was tested and like you I though ‘How weak am I?’ God brought me through it as He brought you through it and when we doubt Him, He is there on the other side reaching out a hand to pick us up from where we’ve fallen.

    A shaken faith is not a broken faith, it’s a growing faith.

    • Leah, I so love what you said…”a shaken faith is not a broken faith, it’s a growing faith…” thank you~

  15. Amazing. I love it… and I had some of those same feelings. You share it way better than I can. Thanks.

  16. Your words express what each of us feels, felt or will feel…..your are so real and genuine….I am so grateful to call you my friend. God is growing your love relationship with Him…

    • Sharon, I grateful to call you friend too! And we’re practically family!!!

  17. Absolutely beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

  18. I am praying for you and you are loved.

    PLEASE stop by and read my post today. Please.

  19. I featured your baby shower cupcake pops on Tip Junkie today. Thank you for the inspiration.

  20. Robin~Your story really touched me. I know that God has brought me to FB and your site to grow closer to him and begin realizing what life is all about. You are an inspiration to me and also to know that other people have these feelings but we only grow stronger each day we are here on earth. My prayers are with you and your family.

  21. Robin~ I remember what a wonderful Christian example you were in high school and I’m so glad that you are still an inspiration to others. I was a preacher’s wife for a few years, until his addictions got the best of him. It ruined me for many years. Although, I never lost my faith in God, I was angry that my life had not turned out to be what I wanted. I think it is so helpful when strong Christians allow other’s a glimpse into their soul and let them know there is hope and life isn’t always perfect. Your post was beautiful and real! Thanks again for sharing.
    P.S. I love your website.

  22. Robin you never cease to amaze me…I love you so much. Gail

  23. Wow. My emotions are so raw right now. You know where my heart. I am on the floor right now, I am hearing with my head but it can’t seem to get to my heart yet and oh how that hurts.
    I love you and seeing the things you have come through gives me hope that my faith can return.

  24. know the feeling I have been there when my daddy died I want to know why why why and then this November you know the story and I wondered if God is asleep but I am finding my way thru this too and What has told me I must do is amazing I have to sit her down and tell I forgive her for breaking my heart do you think she knows or cares that she broke my heart

    • Prayers for you Kathy…

  25. I’m not so crazy about the song but I love your post! Thank you for sharing your heart. Its beautifully honest.

  26. Thanks Robin for stopping by my blog…that is a moving song. You write beautifully…appreciate your honesty. Love to you,
    Susan

  27. Robin,

    This is a beautiful post. You have put into words, in such a totally transparent way..what many of us have experienced. I have totally asked God this question a few times in the not so distant past. I can honestly say that I do not know the answer to the questions I have asked, but just have to believe that some day it will all make sense. Love ya! Smooches to Baby Elliot..she is so awesome!

    Karyn

  28. Please keep posting about God and what He does in your life. It gives the rest of us hope and makes us feel normal.
    What other kind of hope do we have in this continuously crazy world? Only that He is coming soon to rescue us soon.

  29. Wow! You put into words what I have felt often lately, where is God? Where was He when all that bad stuff happened? I know in my head He was there, and it hurts Him, but sometimes that knowledge doesn’t quite make it to my heart. Thank you for being so transparent.


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