“I’m terrified I think that I may be loosing my mind…” those stupid Maroon 5 song lyrics played over and over in my mind this weekend. I kept bursting into tears and hyperventilating. None of my old tricks worked to calm me down…window shopping, antique stores, exercising, cleaning…I even went to a movie in the middle of the day. Nothing helped.
I have been in a major conflict over the past 2 weeks and couldn’t find my way out of it. You know the straw that broke the camels back? Well, that’s what this conflict was in my life. Lots of “stuff” going on with Mike and I. His job is still very uncertain. We’re in a hurry up and wait holding pattern. We’re trying to adjust to a big pay-cut. This is so hard for me, I admit it. I keep redoing the budget and it keeps coming undone. Emma, our baby, is moving out in less than a week. I don’t want her to go. I’m worried about her and strangely about her little dog who will no longer be living with the “pack”. (the pack would be our 4 dogs) We will be actual “empty nesters” and since I have been doing nothing but kids since I was 20, I think I’m having a bit of a “what the hell do I do with my life now?”crisis.
I have been walking a thin line between peace and panic for over a month now. But the “conflict” was the preverbial straw. I know when I’m beat. And last week it was clear…I was beat. Everything in my life felt out of control. Evrything felt horrible. I cried, which I don’t do too often. I threw things. I prayed. I knew I had to move to resolution with the only thing I could control…the conflict. So I reached out. Nothing. I reached out some more. Still nothing. Then Sunday morning Mike said he thouhgt God told him to go to church with my sister and brother in law. Just be there in person and tell them how sorry we were and how much we loved them. “Let’s run to them to make things right”.
So we drove an hour to their church. It wasn’t easy for me to go. I was terrified of rejection. Thoughts assualted me the whole way there. But when we walked in I knew things would be okay. And they were. After church we hugged, cried a little, said we were sorry and true to our family, we went out to lunch. I’m not kidding you, on the way home I could breathe. The thoughts quieted. This morning I got up and went to the gym. I didn’t cry one time. There is still a lot of shifting ground under my feet but the conflict is resolved and I think my mind is safe for now.